It's snowing outside right now. Winter is really here and I've been feeling it in my joints and hands. My fingers keep dislocating today which I figure really should be impossible with how swollen they are. I can barely bend them--how can they bend out of place on with the tiniest pressure?
I'm losing ground on my hands. It's because of the winter, I know. I wake up too early and turn over, reach to bring the blankets with me and there it is: my fingers don't bend. I can't grab the blanket. My hands is just this throbbing paddle. Like a little, "Good morning. You have this disease, remember?" And right now that freaks me out. It didn't a month ago. But a month ago, I could use my fingers before 2pm. I'm full up on anti--inflamatories, epilepsy drugs, and malaria cures but winter is bringing in the breakthrough stiffness. I'm sure it will go away, but I'm just buckling down for a rough ride 'til spring.
And I don't have a doctor yet. I know I should probably make that call soon, but I just keep putting it off. I keep hearing the bad doctors in my head. I'm not in the mood to train another one to listen to me.
I had my meeting with Human Services. They needed me to fill out a bunch of paperwork, but I could barely hold a pen. She spent time filling it out for me, so all I had to do was sign. They gave me emergency funding to get through the month because of the stupid SSI debacle. Now it's just more waiting.
My friend recently posted on Facebook a picture of her hand with a bandaid on the tip of her ring finger. Her post read, "My double finger scroll finger is out of commission. Never realizing how often I did this before; I am amazed by my right hand ring finger's importance. Show some appreciation to this finger today Mac users."
I read that and I couldn't stop laughing. It seemed so ridiculous. Like if Paris Hilton were to post about having to wear the same pair of jeans twice and really gaining perspective from it.
And then I couldn't stop crying. It's funny how my little Pity Pigmy only sneaks out of the cell I've locked him into when I remember that things aren't like this for other people. I forget and think this is just how things are. That my body isn't that messed up, but I guess I kind of am. And other people aren't like this. That losing one finger can really throw off someone's day. Appreciate everything, everyone.
All I want to do right now is do things with my hands. As soon as they start moving in the afternoon it's time for stretches and exercises, then I crochet until they swell up again at night. It's like I need to make things out of nothing. Need to take a ball of yarn and make something that will keep my wife warm. Need to take a pile of old newspapers and flour and water and build things. I know it's transparent in motive but it's a very strong need. I'll hopefully have some pictures posted soon of my cripply creations.
Trying to stay positive like the rest of my bendy buddies. I really wish I could find a bendy group near me. Sometimes it feels hard to hold each other up from afar.