Slowing down

I've noticed recently that it feels like my body is running out of steam.  Everything is taking me longer.  Everything I do is harder. 
(Sorry for the slight rant)

I drop half of what I pick up.  I can't sit down as long as before.  When I'm sitting down or lying in bed, I have to use my arms to shift myself.  It's not like I feel exhausted after performing a simple task like folding laundry--it's that somehow folding laundry has turned into running a military obstacle course while taking a calculus test.  It makes me feel like an ass.

People ask me what I did with my day.  It's a common question.  What did you do today?  I dread it.  I feel like I'm being scrutinized every time.   I tell them: I checked my email, changed the guinea pig cage, called a couple of doctors' offices to straighten out appointments/prescriptions, did dishes, and made dinner. 

And the response I get most of the time is along the lines of, "Is that all?" 

And here I am feeling like I have just survived being drawn and quartered.  Everything hurts.  And when you have chronic pain, sometimes I'm not sure people understand what it means when you say, I hurt.  You hurt all the time.  This isn't news, right?  No, this is very different.

Say everyone has a baseline of pain.  Healthy people?  Baseline of no pain.  People with chronic pain?  Baseline of X amount of pain.  All day, all the time.  Docs have told me that there isn't much to do about this--that chronic pain is chronic.  Get used it, pretty much.  And I do, enough to continue to have a positive look on life and manage as well as I do.  But I never get used to it enough that I can forget about it or that it goes away.  Or that other or new pain doesn't hurt.  So when I say, I hurt, I mean that the shit that is going on is way above my baseline level and is seriously fucking me up.  But of course, even though I feel this way, I still get the, "Well, what else did you?"

No.  You aren't listening.  I checked my email--given this is the easiest thing I did.  I changed the guinea pig's cage.  This took over an hour not including breaks.  Sure it didn't used to take that long, but that's when I had hands that worked and didn't drop 75% of the old bedding, piggie poop, and new bedding on the floor.  I talked to doctors' offices.  Have you ever dealt with big medical offices?  On hold, transferred, cut off, on hold, on hold, transferred.  No idea how long that took.  I did dishes--again, breaks in between each dish to lay down on the couch.  I made dinner which took over four hours.  It wasn't even like a fancy souffle or something.  I just work slower now.  I have to do a little, go lay down, and then come back to it.  By the end of that, all I could do was eat a little and go lie down for good. 

And when I say I took a break to lie down, please don't think it's like a refreshing 30 minute nap or that I plop down on the couch and go, ahhhh.  This is a lot more like fetal position, slow measured breathing, and a pull it together mantra.

I feel like I'm working my ass off.  It doesn't put me in the mood to get disappointed looks.  (Mind you, the people I interact with on a daily basis and really know me do not have this reaction.  They generally tell me I did too much.)

In short, I am frustrated.  Yes, I realize that most people can do in under two hours what I can do in a day.  Yes, I understand that most people can do these things while working full-time. Yes, I feel pathetic most times all on my own without needing you to point it out for me.  No, I am not being lazy.  I have three chronic, incurable conditions; remember those?  Yes, I'd love to be able to do more with my day.  D'uh.

Do I want someone else to do these things for me so I can just rest my joints?  Hell no!  I plan to work my flat ass as hard as I can work it until it drops.  I don't mean push it until I pass out.  I mean work at a reasonable pace so that by the end of the day I feel that A. I got something accomplished, and B. I feel tired and a little sore, like I worked.  Because ultimately that's what I want to do.  So, why you gotta give me attitude about it, world?